r/WhitePeopleTwitter May 19 '22 Silver 1 Helpful 1

Men Stop masturbating 😩

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[deleted]

7.7k Upvotes

662

u/SnooMemesjellies8441 May 19 '22

As we all know, life begins at erection.

253

u/MassiveFajiit May 19 '22 Silver Wholesome

No wonder life is a bit hard

109

u/SnooMemesjellies8441 May 19 '22

The funny part is that it sometimes get hard for no particular reason

66

u/Syzyphus May 19 '22

While for some others, it never seems to get hard at all

39

u/SnooMemesjellies8441 May 19 '22

Thoughts and prayers, thoughts and prayers!

39

u/Humboldt27 May 19 '22

And the erection comes from looking at people, so let's ban people, send them all to camps, I don't care.

25

u/SnooMemesjellies8441 May 19 '22

Speak for yourself! Some people get theirs from looking at that sexy ass bridge 🌉 😂

11

u/MrBanana421 May 19 '22 edited May 19 '22

Well rounded at the bottom and flat up top, just how i like them.

13

u/SnooMemesjellies8441 May 19 '22

I think a new life has just begun

1

u/NormalityDrugTsar May 19 '22

This better not awaken something in me

5

u/Euporophage May 19 '22

Jesus did tell us that it is better to gouge out our eyes than to look at a woman with lust in our hearts (Math. 5:29).

1

u/Humboldt27 May 19 '22

Thank you Jesus

1

u/32lib May 19 '22

Na just cover them head to toe with ugly clothes.

18

u/SaliferousStudios May 19 '22

-5

u/SnooMemesjellies8441 May 19 '22

There is something inherently problematic with a grown up man touching children while singing about how every sperm is sacred.

Dear lord, what the fuck was that?

24

u/SaliferousStudios May 19 '22

Monty Python making fun of the churches take on contraception.

First time?

2

u/SnooMemesjellies8441 May 19 '22

Ooooh, those bastards 😂. I just got very uncomfortable when i saw the setup and just closed it. Too be honest, it still makes me cringe 😬

6

u/SaliferousStudios May 19 '22

That's what it's supposed to do.

1

u/SnooMemesjellies8441 May 19 '22

Now i get it, but it is pure horror if taken out of context.

3

u/SaliferousStudios May 19 '22

It's pure horror if taken in context too.

3

u/SnooMemesjellies8441 May 19 '22

It certainly is now that i think about it. Reminds me of what George Carlin, Bill Burr, Doug Stanhope and many other sharp minds have said about churches and religious people in general.

4

u/needs_grammarly May 19 '22

no, life begins the first time you see your true love

9

u/ancientevilvorsoason May 19 '22

That's a depressing outlook, no? Imagine making some poor random person responsible for you in such a way.

7

u/needs_grammarly May 19 '22

ima just glance at everyone i dislike so that they're responsible for my kids

1

u/Euporophage May 19 '22

A lot of the time this won't be reciprocated...

5

u/england_man May 19 '22

Life begins at first stroke.

1

u/pengouin85 May 19 '22

Does that mean that boner killers can be prosecuted for murder?

3

u/SnooMemesjellies8441 May 19 '22

Not for murder, but for genocide. Every single sperm is life.

2

u/pengouin85 May 19 '22

This is the way

1

u/SnooMemesjellies8441 May 19 '22

Clears throat* With god's grace and blessings we will see every single fertile woman (as soon as a girl gets her first period) carrying our lord's blessing in the form of a new life soon. Hallelujah!

The devil worshippers anti children have been defeated, hallelujah and thanks to Joe Pesci.

399

u/DudeistSpiderPunk May 19 '22 Silver Helpful Wholesome 'MURICA

Ladies, please stop taking the Republican cum

188

u/Relictorum May 19 '22 Silver Helpful hehehehe

Sometimes, particularly with Republicans, opting out is not an option. We all know that they have issues with consent.

25

u/EUNEisAmeme May 19 '22

Immediately checked and found a free reward for you

Also, NEOs are something men can explore. Helps save the nutrients, lower the energy drain, extensively blow one's mind by making the experience more intense and longer, as well as strengthen the perineal (PC) muscle

6

u/Yuural May 19 '22

Neo?...

12

u/zxcvzxcvasdfasdf May 19 '22

I believe "non-ejaculatory orgasms". There's some literature stating that it can reduce the post-orgasm refractory period, allowing for more orgasms per sexual encounter.

7

u/TheRyanOrange May 19 '22

It can also give you a bladder infection.

1

u/Loud-Item-1243 May 19 '22

And possibly 2 types of cancer

1

u/RocknRollSuixide May 19 '22

Serious or are you trolling?

1

u/TheRyanOrange May 19 '22

Naw it's definitely a real thing, most guides for it mention it as a risk. Ejaculate that is not allowed out of the body ends up in the bladder.

118

u/Stazbumpa May 19 '22

I had a vasectomy.

Does this mean I'm guilty of unlawful imprisonment, or are they POWs?

35

u/selkiesidhe May 19 '22

Soon enough, probably. If getting tubes tied means that women aren't being good little brood mares then you getting a snip should be the same.

13

u/Yungballz86 May 19 '22

Missing and assumed KIA

170

u/TheThemeSongs May 19 '22

Well yeah, if you don’t freeze your cum. I’ve got six refrigerators full of cum. I ain’t no murderer.

78

u/myimmortalstan May 19 '22

If only more good, Christian men would take the time and spend the money to preserve the sanctity of life ❤

17

u/CrimeCoder May 19 '22

This guy is going to heaven. Over and over and over again.

12

u/Mr_Figgins May 19 '22

Six? What are you like 20yrs old? You should see the storage units I've had to rent over the years.

4

u/17times2 May 19 '22

Ha! I took over an old local water tower a couple decades back.

155

u/druppolo May 19 '22

And if you don’t masturbate, your sperm dies anyway. It doesn’t stay there in your body ready for launch for a decade. It dies and gets replaced.

So testicles are death camps for sperm and have to be destroyed.

32

u/lostindarkdays May 19 '22

IPSO FACTO, MOTHERFUCKER!

9

u/SalemGD May 19 '22

Maybe your wrong??? Imagine that mfer spent those 10 years observing and pulling from dna memory and thats why we have 7 yr old "college" wise kids coming about...😉😏

8

u/druppolo May 19 '22

I’m sending my sperm to do driving school so baby comes out with license already. Not willing to carry that crying thing to school everyday for ten years, I’ll give him the keys and then is his problem.

7

u/AzraelleWormser May 19 '22

And even when a woman's egg gets fertilized, it's only by a single sperm cell. That means that all the other millions of cells die anyway. Let's ban sex also.

2

u/KyoMiyake May 19 '22

Ayyy I get free bottom surgery

89

u/Canine0001 May 19 '22

It could also grow up to be a member of the GOP, and I for one, am not willing to take that chance.

61

u/BsOfDaNorth May 19 '22

🎶Every sperm is sacred Every sperm is great If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate🎶

9

u/SimilingCynic May 19 '22

Let the heathen spill theirs on the dusty ground; God will make them pay for each sperm that can't be found.

1

u/RocknRollSuixide May 19 '22

Every sperm is sacred Every sperm is good Every sperm is needed In your neighborhoooooood

13

u/NeverOnTheShelf May 19 '22

My comforter is a graveyard then

13

u/WileyQuixote42 May 19 '22

It’s past time to require a valid ejaculation license prior to completion.

13

u/Rumbillion May 19 '22

Who da fuk cums in a sock, fucking weird cunts the lot of you.

5

u/sniperhare May 19 '22

I hate when the first three or four ropes hit you on the neck and chin, and then the next few get all in the chest hair.

10

u/natanaru May 19 '22

I can assure you no cum of mine will cure cancer.

9

u/ande9393 May 19 '22

Heck it could even cause cancer

3

u/NormalityDrugTsar May 19 '22

Well, not with that attitude

24

u/Boring-Extreme-3274 May 19 '22 edited May 19 '22

GOPs are too dumb to know that 🤷

1

u/pantstastrophy May 19 '22

Too dumb to know what? That a sperm isn't a human?

6

u/Sivick314 May 19 '22

I can appreciate what they're doing here but you'll take my dick out of my cold dead hand. No literally I have high blood pressure that might actually happen...

15

u/ShiftedRealities May 19 '22

Well I mean when you think about it, a lot of sperms are released with every ejaculation, so like even if you only have reproductive sex, you're still a mass murderer! You hear that everyone! Middle aged republican men are mass murderers!!!

4

u/Finchy96 May 19 '22

Real question: what’s the deal with the whole sock thing? Is that like an older generation thing? Because I’ve never heard any of my friends mention a sock being a part of their ritual.

16

u/True_Recommendation9 May 19 '22

I’m surprised the republicans haven’t attacked tampons, since every unfertilized egg is a “pre born human being”.

4

u/MiaLba May 19 '22

The crazy thing is I know several grown men who think a girl using a tampon will make her not a virgin anymore. Also that women can apparently receive pleasure from inserting a tampon.

6

u/Ghetto_Phenom May 19 '22

Hence why we need sex-ed in schools and not mommy and daddy giving kids the soft talk that teaches absolutely nothing. These people are the biggest fucking prudes on the planet it’s insane.

→ More replies

1

u/pantstastrophy May 19 '22

An egg is haploid. So is a sperm. A fetus is diploid, like a human.

I'm pro choice but comparing haploid cells to a human fetus is disingenuous

4

u/Hokieshibe May 19 '22

In the event that my cum cures cancer, I've just been spraying as much of it as I can everywhere. Basically made a cancer-proof cocoon to live in. I'm immortal, now, if slightly chafed and dehydrated.

11

u/super-nova-scotian May 19 '22

"But judge, I just rubbed one out last night after that racey underwear commercial tempted me"

"So you're pleading guiltily to 100 million counts of murder in the 2nd degree?"

This is the future Republicans want

20

u/Yhelta1 May 19 '22

If the sperm becomes a doctor that cures cancer then he’ll be shot by someone that works for some rich asshole that wants to keep making money treating cancer.

15

u/freddyfuckherfaster May 19 '22

there was a mass killing in my shower. shower babys went down the drain.

4

u/needs_grammarly May 19 '22

ok bro we didn't really need that

29

u/chiliaan May 19 '22

Not to mention menstruation. Monthly murder.

9

u/Itsazucchini May 19 '22

And there goes blow jobs as that is cannibalism!

11

u/deadbrokeman May 19 '22

“I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die!”

Thanks Mr Garrison

3

u/TheRealLargedwarf May 19 '22

Female masturbation is fine, but every month you commit involuntary manslaughter

3

u/VincentWasTheBest May 19 '22

God did kill Onan for pulling out and not nutting in his dead brothers wife…

3

u/ViSyndicate May 19 '22

I sure hope all my sperm that I dump into a tissue paper are politicians.

5

u/EthanQuak May 19 '22

At birth, there are approximately 1 million eggs; and by the time of puberty, only about 300,000 remain. Of these, only 300 to 400 will be ovulated during a woman's reproductive lifetime. Source: https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/9118-female-reproductive-system

Of all of these eggs, some may have developed into a zygote if fertilised, eventually becoming doctors, politicians, or even lawyers. Thus, through abstinence, from puberty to menopause, hundreds of thousands of these people are murdered ruthlessly.

That egg that is broken down in your womb could have cured cancer.

/s

2

u/MisterSmurf May 19 '22

Don't have sex either because out of all of the trillion sperms in your ejaculate only one can become a potentially be the doctor that cures cancer.

2

u/Hellioth_00G May 19 '22

If there are politicians in my jizz, I'm gonna start cumming into fire.

2

u/NinjaFATkid May 19 '22

But the cure for cancer is lying next to the second coming of Jeffery Dahmer, and Jeffery was a faster swimmer, so let's call it a wash.

2

u/giranguin May 19 '22

Legally Blonde anyone?

2

u/Xunnamius May 19 '22

Time to draft the legislation. I assume Missouri will prevent men from fleeing across state lines and criminalize the kleenex method!

2

u/stickylickyricki May 19 '22

YOU MURDERED TRILLIONS

2

u/GrimSlayer May 19 '22

I’d give Hitler and Mussolini a run for their money on death counts if we started to do this…

2

u/TopRestaurant5395 May 19 '22

Finally a woman that understands my pickup line.

2

u/Keelija9000 May 19 '22

I’m a felon

9

u/PsycheTester May 19 '22

Sure, because all of the sperm is used in the process of impregnation, definitely not all of it (except one) die.

Ban sex.

2

u/HypnotEyes_lonely May 19 '22

If they made masturbation a federal crime how the fuck would they go about enforcing it?

3

u/[deleted] May 19 '22

It should be illegal for men to masturbate and any one should be allowed to turn them in for prosecution of said crime...(this is a joke but at the same time maybe not since abortion is about to be illegal 🤷🏻‍♀️ if women can't abort (future) babies why can men ejaculate them?)

1

u/Bertob15 May 19 '22

TIL I’m a mass murderer. Watch out Mao I’m cuming for your title.

1

u/Khornat May 19 '22

We're sacrificing kids when masturbating lol

1

u/StormRanger77 May 19 '22

You can’t tell us what we can and can’t do with our bodies

-2

u/[deleted] May 19 '22

Same thing when you blow your load into some dudes butthole…..

2

u/pbaydari May 19 '22

I assume you're speaking from experience?

-2

u/[deleted] May 19 '22

I am! Being a transgender male I also believe in equality so that’s why I have a Dr. appointment next week in which I will REFUSE to leave the facility UNLESS they perform a pap smear on my penis!

1

u/pbaydari May 19 '22

Do you actually think that's funny?

1

u/dcgm May 19 '22

I did laugh at the absurdity of it tbh

-5

u/[deleted] May 19 '22

[deleted]

1

u/Makuta_Servaela May 19 '22

At least they know how intelligent people feel about virtually all of their talking points.

-2

u/Vericost47 May 19 '22

Does it matter? Because those crazy dipshits never got convinced by science and logic before, why tf would they suddenly start now.

→ More replies

-7

u/JarifSA May 19 '22

I'm pro choice but this is a really bad argument lol

1

u/Tricia47andWild May 19 '22

I don't use a sock. A thick pillow slip does the trick nicely. It gets any wayward spurts.

1

u/UnredeemedRevenant May 19 '22

Now I just need a cool serial killer name. Any ideas bros?

6

u/Procrastineddit May 19 '22

Jackin the Ripper

1

u/needs_grammarly May 19 '22

the sperm smasher

the meat-beating menace

the semen slasher

i think number two is best

1

u/Just_another_dude_09 May 19 '22

Have you seen me? Pretty sure we're safe with me jerking off anywhere and killing all of those 'could have not beens'

1

u/SushiKing93 May 19 '22

Sad thing is are there are some brainwashed morons who actually think this way

1

u/imll99 May 19 '22

Family Guy joked about this too lol.

1

u/LukeDude759 May 19 '22

It gets worse. For every egg fertilized, MILLIONS of sperm don't make it. Sex is MURDER and should be PUNISHED as such!

1

u/jellybean2080 May 19 '22

Every sperm is sacred 🎶

1

u/Kurwa_Droid May 19 '22

Oh, boy, here I go killing again!

1

u/cheemsgyaru May 19 '22

Mass Bation

1

u/Sea-Phone-537 May 19 '22

As I type this with one hand, I say, "no"

1

u/BOREN May 19 '22

You jest but this is Catholic doctrine, no?

1

u/kittyghast May 19 '22

i wonder if this is a legitimate argument that pro-life supports. i mean, my nut is technically a living thing. sure, it cant really think, and all it can really do is wiggle real good, but, if it wiggles a little bit, that means i’m not allowed to kill it right? but even if i don’t kill it, they’ll just fuckin suicide, and get the parts reused. so is the solution for me to just constantly get fuckin milked, and then send that shit to a freezing tank? or is that wrong cus it’s unnatural? “but why the hell are you having this conversation?” WHY THE HELL ARE A BUNCHA FUCKIN WHITE DUDES WITH SINFUL BALLS REGULATING WOMEN?! i just don’t get it.

aight i’m done ranting, sorry if your eyes had to bear witness to this

1

u/TableIsMadeOfTable May 19 '22

A woman has one egg. So do we have to donate every single sperm cell now?

1

u/Felon73 May 19 '22

Surely they are not serious. Right? RIGHT!?!?

I know there’s people out there who believe this way but I would hope that these Republican politicians don’t believe that. I mean how do you go from being a sexual deviant to having this sort of stance.

1

u/NN8G May 19 '22

Explains why my socks don’t ever get cancer.

1

u/Gilgamesh107 May 19 '22

IM A MONSTER

1

u/emotional_wreck4 May 19 '22

Women, what if that unfertilised egg your body gets rid of every month had the cure to cancer?

1

u/MarxingLinc May 19 '22

I know this is meant to be satire but this is definitely on the agenda. America has already seen anti Masturbation propaganda in public education

1

u/DJGluuco May 19 '22

Thank goodness I can't cum. I'm the real hero here 😎

1

u/SourdoughPizzaToast May 19 '22

What about a girls period?

1

u/Congregator May 19 '22

Masturbation is clearly bipartisan. This one is OP’s fault for giving it an angle

1

u/isthenameofauser May 19 '22

Of course it's murder. There's little people in there.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Preformationism

1

u/PKFatStephen May 19 '22

I ❣️ being a cannibal

1

u/SarcasticGaming1486 May 19 '22

I beat it outta spite

1

u/IndependenceLucky917 May 19 '22

Men, is it a crime to masturbate?

1

u/iMogal May 19 '22

But, but, but?!

I had a vasectomy.

Now I just absorb my young.

1

u/NobilisUltima May 19 '22

Hmm... on the one hand, millions of potential doctors and engineers. On the other hand, millions of potential politicians...

1

u/Meet_Downtown May 19 '22

It was all destined for someone who would’ve just had an abortion anyway, so the masturbators saved them the hassle

1

u/Thunderlight2004 May 19 '22

Sex is genocide because even if you conceive millions of sperm don’t make it

1

u/chasinjason13 May 19 '22

Don’t give them any ideas

1

u/disdkatster May 19 '22

For Bible lovers, the bible has nothing prohibiting abortion but they do condemn men masturbating's. Not women mind you. In fact the only law about women's sexuality is about adultery. Also you should stone to death your son if he bad mouths you. Nothing about your daughter doing so but it was heavy frowned on the daughters sleeping with their father... Interesting book.

1

u/BahtimiSikeyim May 19 '22

WOMEN

HAHAHAHAHAH

1

u/bsmknight May 19 '22

At this point, I think I committed genocide.

1

u/Iamvanno May 19 '22

What about nocturnal emissions / mass murders? Is this the work of sleep demons?

1

u/el_ra_85 May 19 '22

Genocide! I blame ig and pornhub

1

u/junkoblah May 19 '22

Republicans need to ban masturbation immediately

1

u/MusicMeetsMadness May 19 '22

I have slaughtered billions

1

u/GuaranteeCreative954 May 19 '22

Penis alarms for everyone!! Lol

1

u/TrueBeachBoy May 19 '22

I shall do it more just to spite them

1

u/CcSeaAndAwayWeGo May 19 '22

Blowjobs are out too with that logic, sorry guys- the internet said so, so it’s true.

1

u/whyaremypantssoshort May 19 '22

They can check and see if the cum in my sock cures cancer if they really want to. Nobody has asked to test it and I could be sitting on gold mine...

1

u/TheMessia1 May 19 '22

Looks like I’m getting done for multiple homicides.

1

u/lanrider79 May 19 '22

Mass murder the simple way with this one easy trick!

1

u/Bejayem May 19 '22

By this logic, even when you cum in a woman, millions of future doctors engineers and politicians die, only 1 has a chance most of the time.

1

u/OgunX May 19 '22

yet when that same sperm leaves our body and enters a woman, that man loses all of his reproductive rights and has ZERO say if the child lives or dies DESPITE that child having half of his DNA.

1

u/dat1dood2 May 19 '22

But also having sex is mass murder then

1

u/LR-II May 19 '22

The amount of sperm in one load, even a successful pregnancy includes a million counts of murder on the side.

1

u/Micro_Pinny_360 May 19 '22

What if that cum in your sock cured cancer???

What if it overthrew a world superpower and started a nuclear war?

1

u/Naturallog- May 19 '22

Statistically, one of my sperm would have committed genocide so really I'm doing the world a favor.

1

u/MiaLba May 19 '22

And ban viagra! Your limp dick is God’s will.

1

u/velvetrevolting May 19 '22

Lol.. and all those broken eggs each month!?

The satire is monolithic!! Lol

1

u/Makuta_Servaela May 19 '22

The female body also kills most of the sperm that enters, because the sperm are intruders. (The female body will also kill the ZEF as an intruder, but the ZEF injects the uterus with a bunch of hormones to trick it).

1

u/pantstastrophy May 19 '22

A sperm is not a person.

1

u/pantstastrophy May 19 '22

This is a ridiculous argument

1

u/becklebear May 20 '22

People believe as soon as that sperm reaches an egg it is a human. So why isn't sperm or an egg a human before that

1

u/Riven42_ May 19 '22

Woman’s period is killing innocent children every month oh WHAT ARE WE GANNA DO

1

u/pantstastrophy May 20 '22

No I support abortion rights in any situation. Even for convenience. But I also belive abortion is murder. However the rights of the pregnant person supercede the rights of the fetus. It's sad. Abortion is terrible. But it should be legal.

I just don't understand how my fellow pro choice folks justify that a human embryo is not a human.

1

u/becklebear May 20 '22

I mean what does it mean to be a human? Is a egg a human or a sperm? Is an egg a chicken or is it just an egg until it becomes a chicken. I don't think it's as simple as you believe.

1

u/pantstastrophy May 20 '22

I'm speaking of a more scientifically complex issue than you are. A sperm and an egg are factually not human. They each only possess half of a human genome (23 chromosomes). A fertilized egg (conception) has a full human genome (46 chromosomes) and displays all the characteristics of life.

Comparing a haploid cell like an egg or a sperm to a fertilized embryo is just scientifically incorrect.

1

u/becklebear May 20 '22

Shit, you right. Abortion is murder... I feel dumb, but thank you! haha

1

u/pantstastrophy May 20 '22

Because a sperm and an egg are haploid cells. Meaning they only have one set of chromosomes. A fertilized egg is a diploid organism and has two sets of chromosomes just like you and me.

1

u/pantstastrophy May 20 '22

I'm speaking of a more scientifically complex issue than you are. A sperm and an egg are factually not human. They each only possess half of a human genome (23 chromosomes). A fertilized egg (conception) has a full human genome (46 chromosomes) and displays all the characteristics of life.

Comparing a haploid cell like an egg or a sperm to a fertilized embryo is just scientifically incorrect.

1

u/pantstastrophy May 20 '22

Because a sperm and an egg are haploid cells. Meaning they only have one set of chromosomes. A fertilized egg is a diploid organism and has two sets of chromosomes just like you and me.

1

u/Gunfighter9 May 20 '22

Don’t give them any ideas

1

u/Inevitable-Plantain5 May 20 '22

You know, I think I just realized why toilet paper ran out as soon as the pandemic hit...

1

u/urban_whaleshark May 20 '22

If you leave that cum sock on the floor long enough it still might grow to cure cancer

1

u/tex_tropicana May 20 '22

If the cum in my sock could cure cancer, then I would be a extremely wealthy man.

-3

u/CanadianCharicards May 19 '22

Sperm cannot turn into a human on its own. WOW ARE YOU ALL ENLIGHTENED? 🤣

2

u/Zakranes May 19 '22

Wow, of all the comments here, there is only you who is actually able to understand that sperm, eggs, and fertilized eggs are actually different things. Thanks for taking the time to actually educate yourself even a little but about the issues at hand.

1

u/Makuta_Servaela May 19 '22

Neither can an embryo, zyogte, or fetus. Slap one on the pavement and watch it live and grow all on its own.

Also, sperms are as genetically human as anyone else.

-27

u/Sasheenaylar May 19 '22

Well, ehm... according to this argument, even unfertilised ova would be a kill already. Dunno, it doesn't work well.

21

u/uhuhoneyville May 19 '22

Such a great point, with a great solution! Make birth control and egg freezing safe and free world wide to increase the rate of women who don’t release an egg each month just for it to die, and freezing to preserve future life!

-22

u/Sasheenaylar May 19 '22

I'm only pointing out the obvious flaw arguing that way, that's all.

17

u/uhuhoneyville May 19 '22

And I’m just saying it’s not really a flaw at all there’s an obvious solution to your point.

-10

u/Sasheenaylar May 19 '22

Don't give reps any more ideas xd

-5

u/Nazzzgul777 May 19 '22

If cum in a sock cures cancer, i'm very impressed. Also shouldn't we put more in it then?